Note: Taken from playboy.com i didn’t come up with it myself … although i kinda wish i had, some of them are hilarious, my favorites are in purple. Enjoy!!!
Man has been knocking boots since before he stood upright, invented tools or invented boots. But it seems, recently, that our sexual development has stagnated. A cursory exploration of contemporary online erotica reveals a horny collective unconscious that is at worst cliché and, at best, bored. (Seriously, still with the Asian anal porn?) So we’re shaking things up. The following sexual fantasies and kinks are now retired. Complain all you want, thank us later.
1. Sex Act: Spanking
Why It Should Be Retired: Fine, a little ass slap never hurt anybody. But paddles? No, we will not bend over. And no you will not spank us. Why? Because we are grown-ass adults. We won’t sit in the corner, either. People who are obsessed with spanking are bringing their therapy into the bedroom. You know what you should bring into the bedroom? Your genitals.
Alternative Sex Act: Hair pulling. We’re not talking fistfuls of scalp. But a good, aggressive yank says pay attention and let’s bang it out better than any fey pat on the ass.
2. Sex Act: Threesomes
Why It Should Be Retired: It’s the sexual equivalent of the buffet at the Golden Corral: If one chick is good, then two must be awesome, right? Wrong, Augustus Gloop. Having a spare is only necessary when it comes to tires, batteries and machine gun magazines. Most guys have enough problems pleasing one woman, and the entire threesome fantasy hinges on a self-deceiving ego trip. Two women do not make twice the man.
Alternative Sex Act: How about a “Giving One Woman an Orgasm-some.”
3. Sex Act: Sex in the Shower
Why It Should Be Retired: Women love sex in the shower. They claim it’s sensual. This claim is highly disputable, since there’s nothing sensual about slipping, soap in the eyes or formerly hot water turning testicle-witheringly cold. Women like sex in the shower because they are all clean freaks. Sex is supposed to be dirty, stinky and sticky. It’s just part of the fun of the reproductive act.
Alternative Sex Act: Sex after the gym, when everything is super musky. Shower after.
4. Sex Act: Handcuffs
Why It Should Be Retired: Handcuffs immediately recall the po-po, and there is nothing sexy about Johnny Law. Besides, is there any more hackneyed and unoriginal a fetish than wanting to shackle someone to a bed? It’s a control freak’s go-to kink, but sex is already about losing control. Lighten up. Plus anything involving your being naked and a key is just a bad idea. We’re here to help you, T.J. Hooker.
Alternative Sex Act: If you must tie or be tied, try fruit leather straps, because you should be able to chew your way out of love restraints. Mmm, fruity deliciousness.
5. Sex Act: Brazilians
Why It Should Be Retired: It is not sexy to sleep with a woman whose vagina looks prepubescent. An airstrip? Fine. But squeaky like a dolphin? Not so much. Some might argue that it’s more hygienic, but they are wrong. You know what’s hygienic? Soap and water. The very act of even getting a Brazilian is full-on medieval…so much torturous ripping. There is no point in mutilating your beautiful ladyflower.
Alternative Sex Act: Ladies, let your 1970s jungle bush bloom.
6. Sex Act: Road Head
Why It Should Be Retired: Why it’s sexy to get a blow job while operating heavy machinery is utterly baffling. Is it a rush, the ability to drive a car while getting serviced? It’s a nice gesture on her part, but you don’t need to be that relaxed while hurtling through traffic at 55 miles an hour. Concentrate so you don’t wrap your car around any poles—she can wrap her lips around yours later.
Alternative Sex Act: Church parking lot head. It’s safer and sacrilegious. Naughty!
7. Sex Act: Flavored Sexual Lubricant
Why It Should Be Retired: If we wanted to go down on a slice of strawberry shortcake, we’d stick our tongues into an actual slice of strawberry shortcake. Short of that, we’re fans of woman-flavor, and we don’t need salves to poorly fool us otherwise.
Alternative Sex Act: If you really desire some other taste when crunching it, try actual condiments. Or gravy.
8. Sex Act: Role Playing
Why It Should Be Retired: If you wanted to date Little Red Riding Hood, you should have gone to the magical forest rather than the club to meet women. And what’s the deal with sexy nurses? Is there such a thing as a sexy hospital? No. Role playing is a sign that one of you wants to sleep with other people. When we look into the eyes of someone we’re sleeping with, we want to see them, not the eyes of a mentally-ill loonybird method actor.
Alternative Sex Act: Wear funny hats instead. We’ll put on this magician’s top hat, you can wear the Native American feather headdress.
9. Sex Act: Candle Wax
Why It Should Be Retired: Hot wax and nipples do not mix. For that matter, neither does any kind of open flame within a three-foot radius of male junk. We like emo Goth chicks as much as the next guy, and are not averse to a little nipple nibbling. But candles? Hot wax? Did we commit a crime? Can’t we just blare the Cure instead? Hot wax is to sex what stabbing your tongue with a fork is to dinner.
Alternative Sex Act: If a little pain is totally necessary, how about you let us decorate your body with band-aids. Then pull.
10. Sex Act: Handjobs
Why It Should Be Retired: Unfortunately, when hooking up, we are not hiding from teachers underneath the bleachers. So give up the handjob, and let’s get down to some serious business. This is not a reflection on your patented technique—It’s just that we’re not in your parent’s basement, and it’s a little lazy too. While we’re talking about this, we’re going to cancel ye olde fingerbang too.
Alternative Sex Act: Penis in the vagina.
…down from nearly 400 to 150…BEAUTIFUL THY NAME IS SISSY BOY
